I'm Not Over It Just Yet

I can't say I have a strong inclination as to what it would be like to almost lost someone that we love. Those of us who haven't actually experienced it can only imagine how horrendous it would be.

It was a year ago, early April. My parents both were so busy organizing the wedding for their adopted 27 years old son. He is Chinese-Indian and converted into Islam when he left high school. And ever since that, my dad was the one who’s guiding him. And somehow he fell in love with my mom’s relatives.

I was at Melaka at that time and I can’t really help them with the wedding preparation. I was having the midterm break a week before the weeding, and I did help my mom with all the hantaran and stuff.

The day before the wedding, I just realized that I have nothing to wear for the wedding. So my mom decided to buy a new baju kurung for me. So we went out that evening. And we dropped by to few houses, to send the wedding invitation cards. I was the one who drove the car. I always drove my mom everywhere when I’m home. And that evening, I wish I wasn’t the one behind the wheel.

I just don’t want to tell you how it’s happened, but we had a minor accident and my mom was unconscious. No broken bones, no blood, but a bump on her head, the hard one. I just want to skip that part, I don’t feel like sharing the details with you.

She was in the emergency room for almost more than one hour. Trust me that was the worst one hour I ever had. I was so damn scared if anything happened to her. And I will never forgive myself for that.

Alhamdulillah, she was in stable condition two hours later. She was hospitalized for 5 days for further treatment, and I was always there all the time. I didn’t allow my dad or my brother to stay there, and I refused when they offered me to look after my mom. I just can’t lay my eyes off her even for a second. I stayed by her side almost constantly.

It’s hard for me to think about it, and I don’t really talk about this thing with anyone. My dad doesn’t want me to mention about the accident, even to my mom. They said it was not my fault, I know it was an accident but deep down inside I still feel traumatized and guilty about it. Even though now she's doing better than she ever did before. I'm still not over it.

I love her so much and I know what it's like to lose her.